A Mom’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

 

how-to-2Mmmmm. Nothing says Thanksgiving dinner and a house filled with annoying relatives like the taste of moonshine! That’s right. Good ole’ fashioned back woods Appalachian liquid fire.

The creepy uncle who no one has heard from in years suddenly shows up for turkey? Worry not. You’re covered with a festive apple-cinnamon flavored hooch.

Long lost brother who just got back from eloping with a woman who spent an hour showing off her Lucite stilettos to aforementioned creepy uncle? How about a spa-inspired shine with a bit of cucumber and rosemary?  Done.  Serenity is yours.

Guess what? Your mother in law is judging you again! Your hair needs to be “looked at”, the kids need to spend less time on their tablets, and oh dear, what are you doing with that sweet potato casserole? This moment of tongue-biting deserves something strong and straight from the kitchen sink. Silver lightning with no accentuating flavors. This is not the time for something flowery. We need the pure stuff. Uncut. Some dude in overalls just finished making this batch and now it’s all yours.

You’ve been baking, mixing, and roasting stuff for 8 hours.  No one has helped you but a lot of people have entered the kitchen to stand around and stare at the stuff you are working so hard to create.

woman drinking a beer

Children have scooped their little grubby hands into the pies. Your husband, who has helped least of all, is already picking at the turkey. Your brother’s new wife who wants to be known as “Mystic Blue” just asked if you have a cigarette she can bum. Your mother is ignoring your in-laws and decided to tackle the stuffing. She hasn’t prepared a hot meal for anyone in thirty years. The stuffing is floating in a plastic bowl. You had planned to serve dinner on the fine, pre-WW II china you found at an antique store. You know, that place you went to before you had children. But now, it’s looking like a plastic plate and cup occasion.  All that Pinterest stuff you’ve been doing for the past six months is over. This is do or die time.

The political climate is a divisive one and guess what? Two family members are now showing their opposing sides.  Uncle Phil is “With Her” while Grandpa George is really focused on “Making America Great Again.” They discuss these differences but within minutes, rolls will be thrown. You know, those rolls you decided to bake yourself after an article explained the importance of homemade bread for the holidays convinced you to bake stuff? Yeah, those writers are in deep trouble. But not as much as you because you are now hosting a major presidential debate. Megyn Kelly, you have become. So whether you like it or not, it’s time to break out the debate moderating skills and a little bit of the schwill from under the sink.

Now this stuff is special. It is not generally consumed by humans and has been festering in the dark recesses of the kitchen cabinets for a very long time. The only reason the stuff was created in the first place was for a holiday party four years ago and to inevitably become jarred gifts for friends. But you forgot about it. Since then, it has morphed into something far more powerful than you ever could have imagined. It is, by all comparisons, The Force.  And guess what, it’s time to choose a side. The Dark Side. Then, go hide in a closet and smoke that cigarette you’ve been hiding since college.  This is THAT kind of emergency.  So, drink the Dark Side and smoke the stale college cigarette, because Thanksgiving is here, ya’ll.  

Gobble, freakin’ gobble.

Thanksgiving is never easy on any of us, especially those of us creating the meal. So the moral of the tale here, is booze. Booze. Booze. Is the only way to survive. That, and quite frankly, Lucite heels, angry relatives, and runny stuffing is what makes this holiday so tasty.

Cheers!

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