This is my interpretation of a writer’s contribution to How to Love My Husband. I do wonder how new their marriage is.
Touch base with your spouse often:
The original writer of this was meaning to send I love you texts, or perhaps steamier. Let’s get real; this long into it you are happy to get a complete grocery list. It’s not about steamy sexts, it’s about getting it, getting that the last thing your spouse wants when they come home after going to Costco, Wal-Mart, Publix and Aldi, is that one last stupid thing you can’t live without that you just now remembered when they are pulling in the driveway.
2. Look for the good:
Ok, I can’t really say bad things about the original writer, but I do think they are giving a huge break to their spouse. Let’s look at the good, they say, the fact that they go to work, play with the kids, ok yea, and where’s real life? I mean somehow magically bills get paid, not saying it’s not to do with them going to work, but I mean come on now, your only obligation is going to work 8 hours and playing with the kids; someone please sign me up!! Magical laundry, magic dishes, magic lunches, bills, prescriptions, doctors appointments, therapy appointments, drop offs, pickups, did I mention laundry, floors to sweep and mop, coffee to make, things oh so many things to clean, clients/business of my own to deal with. Could I please sign up for the 8 hour gig with a minute or so to play with our child? I would love that vacation, seriously love it
3. Stop Rolling:
So this writer apparently has an issue with eye rolling, because they dedicated an entire category to stop rolling eyes. I never roll my eyes at my partner, but I do grasp the concept. I do take a deep breath when she asks me where something is even though I have already told her and she hasn’t actually looked. So I am going to take stop rolling to mean; have patience with your partner. Yes, I have a photographic memory; yes I know which shelf and behind what the peanut butter is. Yes, my partner can ask me where it is, I can tell her and she asks me again standing in the pantry helpless, because she didn’t move the jar of honey. I mean that’s a thing. My partner is so dependent on me that there is never a reason why she has to look for anything. That’s my fault, we are in therapy.
4. Sleep Together:
Ok, so this chica does not have a spouse with fibromyalgia and does not have a spouse on a different sleep cycle. Yea, I mean, yea, if those things aren’t an issue then yea, sleep with your spouse. But if they are, then you too have learned how to keep all legs and hands beside your body. Because your arm across your spouse might mean pain, you have learned to keep all legs and arms inside yourself because it might be painful to your spouse and even if they are willing to deal with the pain, it’s not worth it in your mind to deal with the consequences of ill tempered, ill slept, fibro spouse. That might be just me.
5. Join them in their wins:
Now I do think this goes across the board. Bottom line, your spouse levels up in Candy Crush or gets a promotion, celebrate it, acknowledge it. Whatever it is that is important to them, be happy. Hell, I don’t get my partners focus on vlogs. If you want to know what real life is, come live this one with me, but she loves her vlogs, so I try to be appropriately emotional to whatever is going on in her vlog world.
6. Do the unexpected:
Yea, ok, how long has this writer been married? Does she have obligations? I mean come on now, after 14 years, the unexpected has way less to do with lace and fishnets, and way more to do with I fed the dogs and took out the trash. I mean to read her post makes it sound easy, I can just go to sleep in something sexy. No, no, no…. the reality of it is that you do something that has become an expected part of the others routine. For example, if it has become routine for your spouse to take out the trash, then you do it, if is normal for your spouse to wash dishes then you do it. For me, it’s that it’s expected that she feed the dogs, so I do it. It’s not lingerie, it’s not anything special, but it is, because it’s a burden you lift off your spouse.
7. Ok she calls it Lift Him Up, Be a Proud Spouse:
No, Uh uh, you don’t get a cookie for taking our kid to the potty. No uh uh you don’t get a cookie for going to work. No, this is a BS ego booster for your spouse, which would be awesome if there was one for you, but there’s not, so this sucks. No, You don’t get a cookie for watching the kids, you don’t get a cookie because you put your dish in the sink, put your clothes in the hamper, did what needed to be done. You might have gotten a cookie for washing all the dishes in the sink, for doing a load of laundry, and I don’t mean just put it in the washer, I mean wash, dry, fold, and put away. Do something extraordinary and I will be happy to lift your a$$ up, never mind no one is ever cheering my butt on.
8. The last rule of this writer is the 10 second rule:
Kiss your partner for at least 10 seconds every day. Again I ask, how long has she been married? I mean really, 10 seconds is long enough for our 3 yr old to drown! I get where she is coming from, she is meaning to spend 10 seconds a day unencumbered with your spouse. It doesn’t have to be done kissing, it can be done with 10 seconds with no outside intrusion where you just see them for them and they for you.
I mean in reality, her rules aren’t bad, they are just naïve. But I do wish they were real, I wish it was that simple. But 14 years in, only 3 with a kid, life is not like that, it’s not that simple. Life and marriage is complicated and messy. It’s hard and difficult for one to stomach. But it is what it is, a marriage of two people who can hopefully talk and express themselves to the other, a marriage of two totally separate souls, people, and emotions, to get to the fundamental ground that is what it is to be together. The openness, the honesty, the vagrant disregard for self preservation to allow yourself to be seen at your basic vulnerabilities, this is what a marriage is.